I went to see the movie "War Horse". I should have known better than to go and see it . . . I don't see anything with War in it because my eldest son is in the service, but excused it because it was a foreign war so long ago - first error. My second error was thinking that I could watch a move and think this horse was not going to get hurt in this movie. What overcast it all was that I was going with a friend and it was going to be fun! NOT!
Growing up with horses was my childhood. My first pony was given to me at the age of 6. As I aged and my ability progressed do did the size of my horse. As I progressed in my equestrian ability so did the quality of my horse. As a teenager I was a showman and so was my horse. I had boxes of trophies and ribbons We were pictured together in the local paper for awards in county and state shows. But most important to me is this horse was my first love and my best friend. I shared things with him that I could share with no one else. He listened. I was emotionally attached.
I could relate to so many things in this movie: the connection that man can have with a horse, the horse (and other items) being taken away without permission, a son going off to war, a son returning from war. These are just a few things. Needless to say that at the end of this movie I was emotionally distraught. After I dropped my friend home, I began to self-examine as to why the movie was affecting me. Arriving home, my husband asked me about the movies quality and all I could say was it was awful. Which my comment had nothing to do with the quality. He even questioned me with an answer at the end, "So did this movie affect you so much because you love horses." It was a good conclusion so I agreed.
Emotionally, exhausted I went to bed. The next morning I woke with the events from my past that I could relate to in this movie - they were there haunting me. The denial of hurts and events all stuffed down.
My Heavenly Father, enjoys "setting me up" to deal with the issues from my past that I have not dealt with. I love that He cares enough for me to bring me about life situations to make me more whole because I desire truth in my innermost being. (Psalm 51:6) I want areas to be revealed in my life that I need to correct. So, you see . . . the whole point for me going to this movie was for me to deal with some issues from my past. This morning, I am faced with do I continue to deny or do I deal with the issues and walk out forgiveness.
When these circumstances happened most of them were during my transition from teenager to adult. My emotional and maturity state was probably more of a teenager than an adult. So my reactions were going to be on that same level. At that time my concept was "forgetting would be the same as forgiving." Forgetting is NOT forgiving. It is denial.
I attempted to achieve forgiveness by deliberately putting out of my mind the offense. I was attempting to fool myself and to not "rock the boat" pretend it was no big deal. My life was in transition, my family was divorcing and I just wanted to get away from it all! But after thirty years I discovered all of the emotions and events and hurts are still there. Held back all these years by force of will in deliberate denial.
I remember even seeing "that person" or speaking to that person again and all the bitterness and pain would rise up again. I would stuff it again. I didn't want to "rock the boat" after all "that person" probably never gave it another thought.
Denial is merely a delusion: flimsy, fake and shallow. Forgiveness is real: strong and solid and deep. It is not avoiding the truth, but dealing with is squarely; however painful.
Consider God's perspective. Nothing is hidden from His sight: the evil intent, the hidden lust, the damage done, the choosing of that which is wrong, etc. And yet He is the author and originator of forgiveness. If we are going to really forgive, we are going to have to do it His way: with our eyes open.
You see, it was still all about the wrong that was done to me . . . it was still in my face . . . after 30 years! I was also reminded out of the same necessity I had done it to my own children.
The order here is essential. Forgiveness first, forgetting second. Until real forgiveness takes place, the offense is "in our face" as regards to that person, and it is the same with God. The sin comes between us, and cannot be "forgotten" until dealt with. If and when we enter into true forgiveness, we can then regard the person without the "offense" looming first and foremost between us.
Is 43:25 "I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more."
So keeping this real, and in continuation with the process of discovery to repentance I will share my repentance prayer with you:
Lord, give me divine objectivity that will enable me to forgive my father and mother.
I forgive all their offenses against me and accept them for what they have been and are even now; however I honestly name (I named the offenses) and renounce their sin, weakness and failure for what is was and yet still be.
I thank You for creating my parents in Your image. I forgive them for not becoming all You created them to be. I accept then as the wounded, hurting, unhealed, needy persons they are. They need the healing that I am now receiving. I will look for the real persons You intend them to be, and in Your name I will affirm it whenever I see it. I look to You now for the affirmation I've always wanted so badly from them. Love them through me.
Somehow, as I forgive and accept them. Father-God, re-parent me according to my new bloodline in Jesus and my family inheritance in Him. Perfect in me His character and family traits You intend for me to have.
I forgive you that you cannot affirm me the life you gave me. I forgive you for not being able to love me or give me the acceptance I long for. I forgive you that you can never see me or treat me as a person, your daughter, but can only see everything in terms of your own self-centered desires.
I accept you as you have chosen to be. I will no longer strive uselessly, demanding that you change, demanding that you love me, demanding that you recognize me as a person, your daughter, with needs and feelings.
I now truly forgive you. I do not judge you, but I do renounce the wrongs that has wounded me. I no longer give the sinful actions permission to wound me or my family. Yes, I honestly name the issues as being wrong and even sometimes evil: (name them). These have had power to wound me, but no longer. By God's grace working in me, I will honor you as a person whom Jesus died for. Jesus will enable me to walk this way of tough love. I can now bless you, expecting nothing in return. I can now love you agape with the heart of the Father, by the grace of the Son, and in the power of the Spirit.
Heavenly Father, I thank You for hearing this prayer, and for enabling me to accept and fully forgive my parents, so that I am not longer bound in the chains of torment of unforgiven, bitterness, resentment, anger and judgement. In the name of Jesus who is my healer and my life, I am an over comer in the power of the Holy Spirit. I am free indeed, seated at Your right hand ruling and reigning in Christ Jesus, and ask You to enable me to be a channel of Your freedom and healing love to my parents and my family. In Jesus' Name I pray. Amen.
Now that you have dealt with what needed to be dealt with - you have NO REASON to not have new hope for the day! Go out and enjoy it!
PS. I did go to my children and ask for forgiveness of the wrongs that I have done to them.
Prayer was taken from "Prayer Portions" by Sylvia Gunter.